A Battle of the Will

I think most parents can say, that at some point or another, they have faced a ‘battle of the wills’, with their child. Whether, it has been struggling with a toddler on the floor, as you try to pin them down and force a nappy on them. 😤 Strap a disgruntled child back into a pram, because you’ve run out of time letting them walk alongside you, and you now need to rush back for the other children coming home. 😕 Maybe it’s trying to get them to eat some meal that you’ve made the effort to cook from scratch. It’s super healthy, and good for them, and well, yesterday they ate it no problem, but today they’ve decided, for whatever reason, it’s the worst thing in the world! 😷 It’s exasperating and frustrating as you battle it out with a tiny human, trying to align their will with yours!

Over the years, as Calum and I have carried out work to our homes, we have often disagreed about what we should do with different areas. When we moved into this house, it was highlighted on our survey that the large porch over our back door needed attention, sooner rather than later. I think it was in the first few months after moving, my dad built a new timber frame for the porch and we stored it in our basement until we had time to swap it over.

Well, 8 years later, and the frame still sat in our basement, and the porch was still falling apart around us. Calum hated the sight of it and was desperate to tear it down. I, on the other hand, liked having somewhere to store the guinea pigs in the winter, stack up the wellies and pile up the wood for the fire. After many discussions, where we both wanted our own way, Calum knocked down the porch, and over the last year he has tidied up the back step and the area where the porch used to sit. I can honestly say it has made a huge difference, and I am so glad now that he did. It was definitely worth surrendering my will for!! 😂🙈

A few weeks ago our, aging, family dog, Bella, badly needed a bath. She has been a great pet to have and has such a lovely nature, but she is honestly the smelliest dog! After a few days where we all complained about the smell, I decided enough was enough and as soon as the homeschooling was done, I looked out her towel and prepared to take her upstairs to the bath.

Well, the minute she saw her towel and that I was calling on her to come upstairs, she knew

exactly what was about to happen. She snuck off to hide in her bed, crawled under the table and repeatedly ran away from me. Eventually, I let out a triumphant sigh of relief, when I managed to get her all the way up to the bathroom. Sweat dripping from my nose and my arms and legs felt like jelly, as I had pushed and pulled her all the way. I could barely muster up the strength to lift her into the bath, however, I was not going to be defeated, and a little while later, Bella lay quite happy in the warm bath, enjoying the attention, and I had the satisfaction that I had won, and the awful smell had gone!

This last wee while, God has been speaking to me about aligning up my will with His. As I have been thinking about things that I pray for, I have to ask, is that what I want, or what God wants?

Some verses in the bible that have been really speaking to me recently through a daily devotion and a book are found in Mark ch 14 34-36:

“And He said to them, ‘My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death; remain here and keep watch’. And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground and began to pray that if it were possible, the hour might pass Him by. And He was saying, ‘Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will’.”

Here is Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, hours before the crucifixion, praying to His Father. Jesus, deity in human form, in agony over what the next few hours/days was going to bring. I don’t think the reality of Jesus’ deep distress, as He prayed these words, has ever registered with me, before now. I think I’ve almost viewed them as lines He had to say, as He played out His part. But as He anticipated what lay ahead of Him, the bible says He was "grieved to the point of death".

He comes to the Father, fully believing that everything is possible. His Father, God, the one whom Jesus says previously ‘with God all things are possible’ Matthew 19:26. Jesus knows, full well ,that if He wants, then God can stop the crucifixion from happening, ‘Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me.’ As He wrestles with the weight of all that He is about to endure, Jesus surrenders His will, to that of Gods. ‘yet not what I will, but what You will’.

What has struck me lately, is that despite knowing fully what lies ahead, despite knowing that He will cry ‘My God, My God why have you forsaken me’, despite already being in so much sorrow even to the point of death, He surrenders His will for the will of the Fathers.

God had a plan and Jesus trusted Him.

As I’ve looked at these verses, I have discovered that the name Gethsemane means ‘oil press’. It’s believed, that the garden where Jesus cried this prayer, was of olive trees and where oil was retrieved by the crushing of the olives until the oil was squeezed out. Interestly, as God allows us to wrestle with Him, as we surrender our will to His. It can often feel like we are being crushed and squeezed, but as I utter those words from that hymn ‘I surrender all’ the ‘oil’, the part of me that God wants, is poured out for Him to use.

As I have contemplated my feeble prayers, my sensible requests, my worship and my inner anguish and laments over recent months and years. I have had to pause and examine them. Some have been, by God’s grace, answered. Some have resulted in blessing, as God has known my limited praise. But some, to this day, remain inner wrestlings that I battle out on occasions with God. As frustration rises, I often cry out ‘but God this is good, this is not for me, but for You!’

I've found great encouragement in these verses from Hebrews 4:14-15, as I am more aware of Jesus' anguish and sorrow in the garden, I know he understands my own struggles.

"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin."

I often find myself battling out my will, against Gods. I ponder in my head, what God could possibly get from doing things differently. What could be a better way than mine? Over the last wee while, I have come to realise that as I spend more and more time with God, bringing my questions and frustrations to Him, I get to know God, in a deeper and more intimate way than before. As I painfully align my will to His, He reveals more and more of His character to me, and ultimately this is a far better way than mine, as I get to experience God in a way like never before. As I wrestle, and battle it out, surrendering my will to God, what does God get? Well, He gets more of me.

If you have ever held a raging, wriggling, toddler as they fight against you, it’s almost impossible at times to hold on to them. Oftentimes, you are forced to let them go for a while, before trying again. Eventually, sometimes after a full day, they give in and submit to you. They relax, their body softens, and you feel them sink into the shape of you.

As I wrestle with God, and kick against His will, sometimes He lets me go until I’m ready to surrender, other times He holds me and refuses to let me go, as I fight. As I finally give in and relax, I sink into His will and become one with my Father. I have to confess, oftentimes when he has allowed me to go off on my own, as I fight Him for my will, it doesn't take long for confusion and bitterness to set in. It's a dangerous place to be, and bitterness can grow deep roots quickly. There is no peace in this place.

I was thinking of the story of Jonah. It is well known, that initially, when God speaks to Jonah, he runs off, refusing to do what God asks. Eventually, after spending three days in the belly of a fish, he goes off and does what God asked in the first place. What many people don't realise is that after he does what God asks, he goes off in the huff, angry at God for blessing the people that Jonah spoke too. The story concludes there, and we never find out if Jonah returned to God, and surrendered his will for Gods.

I was reminded the other night, on one of our church zoom services, of the story in Luke ch5. Jesus asks Simon Peter to cast his nets out into the sea to catch fish. Simon is hesitant at first, he's probably tired, he's spent the whole night fishing and caught nothing, he's just finished cleaning his nets ready for the next shift.

"'Master', Simon replied, 'we worked hard all last night and didn't catch a thing. But if you say so, I'll let the nets down again."

This obedience, as he says 'Lord that's not what I want to do, but if that's what you want' results in a blessing they didn't expect. The nets were so full they began to tear and another boat had to be called, to help gather the fish. As Simon witnessed this, he humbled himself and fell to his knees, confessing the sinfulness of his heart. The bible says he left everything and followed Jesus. What a contrast to Jonah's reaction to his will and God's?

I am thankful to God that when I have gone off, frustrated that my will is not God's, He draws me back to Himself and holds me like that toddler, as I stop trying to do things my way and accept His. I pray I never end up like Jonah, but like Simon Peter.

I've been really enjoying this song lately, but I have to confess, I have had to ask God to forgive me, because truthfully, I can't sing 'You alone are my hearts desire'. As I come to God, in surrender 'not my will, but Yours alone', I pray that this will change.