Ashamed

During the October holidays, I decided to take Miriam clothes shopping. She had been moaning at me that she was badly needing new school skirts. She likes those ridiculous, stretchy, thin cotton skirts, that after a few washes look grey and washed out. I find it hard to find some that fit her so I had been putting it off for as long as possible. I eventually made a promise that I would get some during the holidays so I thought I’d better keep it.

Surprisingly, we managed to find a few skirts really quickly so I managed to persuade her to come to Costa for a coffee with me. It was nice to just be out with her on my own, we don't get that chance often. As we sat and chatted we both flicked through our phones, a video started playing on my phone and Miriam was quick to tell me that it was too loud! “Mum that's too loud, everyone can hear it, turn it down quick!” She doesn’t really like drawing any attention to herself, I smiled, rolled my eyes at her and turned my volume down a bit 😕. A wee while later as we were getting ready to leave, I said something to her and her reaction was hilarious. I burst out laughing at her, I just couldn’t help myself. Again, she quickly started “Mum shhhh, you're making too much noise!” I couldn’t help myself and I just couldn’t stop laughing. This time her hands rose to cover the sides of her face and she said “MUM, stop! Please, everyone will look at us!” She sat there cringing at me! I managed to pull myself together and wipe the tears from my eyes. I couldn’t quite believe my daughter was ashamed of me. She was actually embarrassed to be sat with ME! Bearing in mind there are restrictions in Costa at the minute and there wasn’t even anyone sitting closeby. Everyone else was drinking their coffee and chatting away at their tables, completely oblivious of Miriam and I! But Miriam didn’t see it that way.

When I told my mum about her reaction, she said I was exactly the same at her age. I hated drawing attention to myself and she said when we used to go shopping I stopped her from swinging her arm as she walked. It embarrassed me….😱

I vividly remember being at Calums parents house for dinner, when we were dating many years ago. As we all sat at the dining table, Calum asked everyone “well what do you all think of Ruth’s new top?”🙈 I still remember the pink, ¾ length sleeve top that I was wearing, it had a deeper pink star on the front of it. Even worse, I still remember the feeling of being absolutely mortified. I was so ashamed. I blinked back tears and tried to hide my reaction from everyone. I’m sure they were oblivious to my pain. I just hated being the centre of attention like that. After my embarrassment settled, I remember giving Calum what for, for doing that to me. Poor soul had no idea what he had done wrong 😂.

As I drove home from the shops that day, still amused at Miriam, my thoughts turned to Jesus hanging on the cross, raised up for all to see. The shame, humiliation and ridicule. There was no way of hiding from the attention. No words could describe how awful that experience must have been. The brutality he endured that day. For me, Jesus, God's own son, left that place of authority in heaven, to die such a shameful cruel death. When I hear of the story of the cross I am often reminded of Peter as he denied knowing Jesus. To often I am quick to judge Peter, as he was cornered there that night of Jesus's death. Recognised in the crowd as one of Jesus's disciples he quickly and vehemently denied knowing him. At that moment he was too ashamed to be associated with Jesus. Too ashamed to be bold and stand with him.

Jesus, alone in the middle of the crowd, humiliated and beaten. Yet Peter stood there embarrassed. I have to be honest and say I don't know if I would have been any different from Peter. I don't think I would have had the boldness and the strength to take my place next to Jesus and say 'yes, he is MY jesus, I am one of his followers'. All eyes would have been upon me and then the mocking would have started!

How often have I felt like that in my own life? Too afraid and ashamed to stand and say that I am a Christian. Afraid of the stares or the whispers. I'm sure many Christians reading this if they are honest will know what I mean. Opportunities in conversation arise where I could tell people about Jesus and why he died on the cross, but instead I let them pass because it would have been too awkward for me. People in desperate situations, and I know that Jesus is their only hope, but because of my own embarrassment I fail to share that with them. That day on Costa, I wasn't hurt or saddened by Miriam's embarrassment by me. Instead I was amused and found it funny. I can't say the same about God though, when I am ashamed of associating myself with him, I don't think he finds it amusing!

My little girl recently had show and tell in her class room. A couple of weeks before her turn she decided that she was going to 'show and tell' her bible. She talked about it every day in the run up, and practiced what she was going to say. She told God one night in prayer (in her own words) that 'she had just had enough of some people not knowing she was a Christian'! 😅 She definitely doesn't take after Miriam and I. I would have been terrified at the prospect of show and tell, never mind being laughed at for taking my Bible.  But not her, she's one of a kind. I marvel at her faith and courage and often wish that I was always as bold as her!!

This verse here in Romans 1:16 says that everyone who believes in Jesus Christ, experiences the saving power of God in their life. I know this and I believe it 100% but I can't say I am never ashamed of it. Do I really understand and believe that the verse is saying that the good news of the bible is power? It is power that people need in their life to give them a hope and a future. To give them a way back to God, to give them a completely new life. Maybe I need to ask God to give me a clearer vision of this power so in the future when I am faced with choices of sharing my faith, I can be more like my younger daughter and say 'I am not ashamed!'