Labelled a Failure

Lately, in our house we have been thinking a lot about failure. The implications that it has on us and our children. The feelings of doubt and sadness that comes with such a term.

The children and I have been forced to listen to Calum retell the story of how he failed his driving test, twice! “I mean my instructor just couldn't believe it the second time round. 15 Minors!! He’d never heard of that before. I’m telling you, it’s because the examiner was usually based in Glasgow, and he examined me under those driving conditions, instead of treating me like I was driving through Kilmarnock!! Who fails their test for not keeping up with the flow of traffic??” 😂🙈

I’ve heard this story so many times. I will never forget phoning Calum from my shift in the hospital, to find out how the test had gone. My heart sank in total disbelief when he said that he had failed again. I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was absolutely gutted. However, a few weeks later he sat his 3rd and final test and thankfully passed this time no bother! (phew, I no longer needed to drive us everywhere!)🙌

One of our sons recently experienced his own failure at such a test. It’s been a bit of a start….stop….start....stop….start 9 months of driving lessons, because of lockdown. Unfortunately for him it didn’t end with the result that we all hoped for. Now the endless months of waiting for a new test, has to be endured.

One of our other sons has received letter after letter from his school, reminding him that he is failing in a lot of his subjects. Even the subjects that he should receive a pass in, are not holding out any hope for a high standard of grade. Working from home during lockdown has been difficult for him. The lack of structure and presence at school during his higher year, caused him to completely write off this school year. He was unable to see how anything could be salvaged from an education point of view, and at such a crucial point in his life, decided that the best way for him to cope with this was not to care.

He did the bare necessity with a friend over their xbox mics. 😰 He didn’t engage with his teachers or treat his school work seriously. Any time we spoke about it he just said he didn’t care, there is no point anyway in trying!

But he coped, and that was the main thing for us. The only alternative to this attitude was that he would have completely panicked and suffered from terrible anxiety over the first few months of this year. Stressing over every piece of his education that was completely out of his control. Either way, he wasn’t going to win!

Since returning to school he has worked hard (or so he thought) at proving to his teachers that he hadn’t switched off completely, from all that they had been saying. He studied hard and caught up on any work that they needed to see. After a few weeks it all seemed much more positive, until another letter arrived in the post to remind him how much he was still failing. 😩 I honestly have no idea why they thought this would be such a good idea, the weekend before the exams started. His confidence was shaken and his presence brought a gloomy mood as he struggled to deal with this. I think the biggest kick in the teeth for him, is that in normal circumstances he could have achieved really well in his highers. Like most people, he doesn’t want to be a failure and despite saying that he doesn’t care, deep down he really does.

We live in a society today where success is everything, and failure is avoided at all costs. Nobody wants to be the one that fails their driving test first. Nobody wants to be the one that needs to resit subjects. Nobody wants to be the one that puts their hand up and says ‘this is hard’.

If you are on social media, you can easily waste time watching 'fail' videos. There is an endless supply of videos, clipped together for our amusement at some poor souls mishap as they've fallen off a trampoline, slipped on ice or dropped their phone and its smashed into pieces. I must say some of them are really amusing and my favourite has to be the animal fails. Probably because they don't have the same sense of shame as us humans!! I'm sure if we are all honest we have all been that person in the video clip at some point in our life, embarrassed as we pick ourselves up off the ground as quickly as possible. 🙈

We measure success by all that we have achieved, not failed in. The big job, the good education, the possessions, the size of your friend group. One thing I love about God, is that he loves us, despite all our failings and with God, failure is not final.

I was reminded of Abraham, who took matters into his own hand, and had a son with his wifes handmaid. He failed to wait on God and allow His plan to be fulfilled in His time and His way. Yet God still used Abraham, He still chose him to be the father of that chosen nation Israel.

I thought of Jacob and how he cheated his brother for his birthright, how he deceived his father for a blessing. Yet God still used him in his plan.

Then there is Moses, he murdered an Egyptian when he was trying to defend one of his fellow Israelites. Yet the bible describes him as the meekest man on the earth. God used him to lead the children of Israel to their freedom.

Then there is the story of Ruth, she might not have any big failures or mistakes recorded in the bible. But her life wasn’t exactly classed as a success. Those around her must have viewed her as a failure, someone to be pitied. Widowed at a young age and she had failed to provide any children for her husband when he was alive. Who would take care of her now? But God took her, gave her a new story, provided her with another husband and she went on to have a son who would be the Grandfather of King David.

Then there is King David himself. The youngest of 8 sons, just a shepherd boy. He went on to steal another man's wife and then had her husband murdered. Yet he’s known as one of the great Kings, a man after God's own heart. God did not define him by his failures.

The bible is full of similar stories where God has taken people that have failed and messed up and used them in some way. It’s also full of stories of people like Ruth, who aren’t living successful lives by society's standards. God sees them in a way the world around them doesn’t see and He makes their life into what He classes as successful, not us.

So when I feel like I’m failing, my children feel like they are failures or that their lives look far from a success in the world's eyes. It’s imperative to point them to the one who is an expert in failures, because with God, failure is not final!!

“For God has said, I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5