Phoebe 'pure' 'radiant' 'bright'

Today marks my youngest daughter's 9th birthday, Phoebe Joy Robertson. She has been looking forward to this day for the past few weeks with great excitement. My friend text and asked if there was anything Phoebe would really like for her birthday. To be honest, I told her, Phoebe would be delighted with anything. She will just be so pleased that you have even given her a gift. She really is a sweet, kind girl. It has been a delight to watch her these past few years. There was a time when I worried she wouldn’t grow up to be a happy go lucky little girl.

When I first fell pregnant with Phoebe, I called my midwife to tell her, and I burst into tears. I was so miserable. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t miserable about being pregnant. I was delighted, I just couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t really feel anything, except misery. Over the previous 6 months or so, I’d gradually been feeling more and more depressed. My mood was so low and nothing I had tried seemed to lift it. I managed to keep a mask on for everyone else, but Calum bore the brunt of it all, it was really tough. I don’t know how I managed to tell my midwife that day. I think maybe pregnancy hormones made me more emotional and I was able to open up a bit. Around the same time as I told my midwife, I went to visit my sister-in-law (who was just home from hospital with her newborn baby). I burst into tears as I told her I was pregnant. I’ll always remember my nephew in shock asking why his Auntie was crying. His world had already changed in the last 24hrs with a new baby sibling, never-mind his emotionally unstable aunt adding to the chaos! I explained how bad I had been feeling and she hugged me, as I cried. She should have been the one telling me how bad she felt. After all she had just given birth the day before!

With the help of my midwife, I managed to get the specialist help I needed. However, when I went for my first scan, the little baby inside me's bowel was growing on the outside of her body. It was another set back to this pregnancy. Instead of coming home from my scan excited to tell the kids that we were having another baby, I spent an anxious week waiting for another scan to see if everything was ok. Amazingly, all was well at the next scan and every scan after that. I have a 3D scan photo of Phoebe’s face that the consultant gave me at one visit. She was waiting on the baby moving so she could do some more checks and as she waited she showed Calum and I some 3D images. It’s amazing, but Phoebe is not thrilled at all at the image. She says that it is gross and it freaks her out. She is easily squeamish and not like Calum or I that way! She is definitely a tad squashed looking in it! Infact my mum said if that had been her scan photo she would have binned it lol! Never mind, I love the memory it gives me.

The rest of the pregnancy went smoothly and I really did get better mentally with the help of the specialist and medication. I began to feel happy again and look forward to normal things once more. It was a horrible place to be and definitely one of the darkest places I’ve ever been. I did worry however that my low mood and many episodes of sobbing, curled up in a ball would have had an affect on the baby growing inside me. Could they have sensed how unhappy I had been? Would it affect the person that they would become?

As the day finally came when Phoebe made her arrival we were blessed with a lovely calm delivery. We were both so delighted with our little girl. Worryingly though I began to feel unwell and I remember Calum enjoying some cuddles with his little girl while I lay down. It soon became quite clear that I really wasn’t well at all and I began to hemorrhage at an alarming rate . It’s a bit hazy for me. I remember lot’s of alarms beeping, doctors faces, needles in my arms and being completely distressed by the pain. I really wanted to be knocked out till it was all over. I remember thinking I was really pathetic. I had seen plenty of movies where someone is pleading with a loved one to hold on, stay with them, till help arrives. I’d always thought that would be me, fighting to stay with them, to keep awake. But nope, after that experience, I’ll be eyes closed, wake me up when it's over if you can!!

It all happened so quickly, Calum said it was chaos, but organised chaos. I think as a nurse he was actually quite impressed with the midwifery team! He was calm and quiet till it was all over and once we were left alone in high dependency, he had a quick cry then pulled himself together again. The thought of raising 5 kids on his own was too scary for him! Pregnancy number 5 was definitely proving difficult.

We spent a few days in hospital while I recovered and then we were allowed home to be reunited with the rest of our family. Phoebe Joy we decided on. After the dark year it had been, her arrival brought great joy and that heavy burden was lifted from me. We have joked plenty of times that instead we should have called her, Phoebe "Misery Guts". She was often far from joyous! She liked to moan, a lot. Whinge, as I like to say. I remember one morning in particular she woke up in a bad mood and lay in a pile in the middle of the staircase. She moaned and moaned and moaned in the midst of the chaos as I tried to get all the kids organised for school and nursery. Any time anybody stepped onto the stairs her wailing got louder and louder. Thankfully she has grown out of that stage. These moods are now very few and far between.

When I think of Phoebe now, I think of the way the Lord Jesus was with children. He loved them and cared for them. He said to his disciples ‘let the little children come unto me’. Phoebe loves God. You only need to spend some time with her to see that. At church on Sunday’s as she listens to the story; you can see her head nod along in agreement as she listens eagerly to every word. As she sits on Calums knee at bedtime to pray, it almost feels like she is sitting on her heavenly Father's knee, as she chats away to Him in prayer, telling Him how much she loves Him. She confidently tells Him of her day and her worries and she thanks Him for all the blessings He has given her. Last week, she even thanked God for all the rain we had been having. Calum and I looked at each other bemused, we have complained plenty about the rain, but not Phoebe. She told God that she didn’t really like the rain, but it came from Him, so she was thankful for it. She has great faith. The bible talks about child like faith, and Phoebe certainly shows that. As little children simply trust their parents to look after them and take care of their needs, so Phoebe trusts in God too.

During lockdown, her Papa Robertson was ill and she made him a card, telling him that she

had been praying for him and that God was in control. In her own way she was telling him

not to worry that this was all in God's hands and that was the best place to be. At one point she was a bit anxious about the coronavirus and lockdown. She wrote a wee prayer to keep under her pillow when she felt anxious. She asked God to help her trust Him and remind her that He was in control. If only as adults we could show the same trust in God. How often I worry about something and stress over it, trying to work it out myself. Instead, God wants us to come to Him, and tell Him all our problems and worries. He wants to be like a Father to us, and for us to trust Him, as a child trusts their father. Like Phoebe, she trusts in the one who holds her future.

“I know who holds the future and he’ll guide me with his hand

With God things don’t just happen, Everything by him is planned.

So as I face tomorrow, with it’s problems large and small,

I’ll trust the God of miracles, give to Him my all.”