Sophie Earla Smith

At the beginning of the month my great niece, Sophie Earla Smith was born, weighing an impressive 9lbs 6oz. A great granddaughter for my Mum and Dad, granddaughter for my sister Gillian, daughter for my nephew and his wife; Nathan and Lauramay and little sister for my other great niece Isla. She is an adorable little thing, with lovely dark hair and big dark eyes. It was such a joy to have a little cuddle and enjoy that smell of newborn baby as she snuggled into my neck.

When Lauramay told me that she was going into hospital for labour to be induced, I had that feeling of excitement as my insides churned. I am a bit of a weirdo, the thought of labour and childbirth excites me. I absolutely love the experience and pain of labour, followed by that euphoric feeling of finally meeting your baby. After having 6 children you’d think I’d had more than my fair share to put me off. But I would gladly go through it all again in a heartbeat. Every single time I could feel labour starting, I had this excitement rise up in my throat and I could barely get the words out for the lump in my throat as I’d say ‘I’m sure this is it!’ I love it!

That pain, distress and anguish, building to the point that it almost breaks you and then that flood of emotions as you hold that precious baby for the first time is a feeling I wish I could bottle up. That point of breakthrough when you know all the pain and agony you have experienced is almost over and was worth every ounce of your energy and you anticipate the joy, the relief and the love that floods your body.

I’ve been thinking of this blog for the last week trying to put it into words. I will try my best and hope that you can understand my thoughts. I don't want to make anyone feel that they are a failure if they are really struggling and would rather want to encourage them to hold on for that breakthrough. I also am very aware that I have no idea how my faith might be tested in this and that does make me wary. I’ve been thinking of the well known bible verse:

“Weeping may last through the night, But joy comes with the morning”

Psalm 30:5

As I have been thinking of my ‘eagerness’ to experience labour. I have been thinking about how often I am not so ‘eager’ to go through trials and testing that either God brings me to or allows me to pass though. If I could choose what my life would be like, then I would choose happy plain sailing days that are filled with peace, joy and a closeness with God. Not a worry, disappointment or doubt in sight but happiness, faith and a sense of knowing God. If I’m honest, that's what it would be. The reality is very different! My faith wouldn’t be very strong if it had never been tested. My joy would never be full if I hadn’t known disappointment. I wouldn't really know peace if I hadn’t known worry. I wouldn’t really know God in such a real way if I wasn’t forced into a place where he was all that I had. That experience of anguish and turmoil as you wrestle in pain with doubts, disappointment, fear and at the point of feeling like you just can't go on, you experience a breakthrough as you surrender yourself to God and his will, knowing his presence and strength to see you through. (interestingly when I trained as a midwife, it's often said that during labour, when a woman reaches that point where she simply cannot endure any more. That is usually a tell tale sign that her body is moving into the next phase of labour and the baby is ready to be born!)

I’ve been reading a book again recently, ‘Hinds feet in High Places’. It’s about a girl named ‘much-afraid’ and she wants to leave the valley where she lives with her miserable fearful relatives and climb the mountain to the hill tops where the Good Shepherd is from. She is very lame and disfigured, and has no idea how she will make it up the mountain side. But the Good Shepherd promises her, that if she trusts him, then he will help her make the journey, and in the process she will receive hinds feet so that she can live on the mountain tops like him. He gives her two companions to help her up the mountain side, ‘Sorrow’ and ‘Suffering’. She is very afraid of these two and cries to the Good Shepherd and asks could he not just take her up himself. He could carry her up himself, but he says in doing so she will never develop the hinds feet that she needs in order to live on the mountain tops with him. So completely trusting him with her life, acknowledging that he knows best, she sets off on the journey with her two companions. When she reaches the end of her journey, the Good Shepherd changes her name to 'Grace and Glory' and two companions become 'joy' and 'peace'.

I can relate to, ‘much-afraid’ in many ways. How I want to know the joy and peace of trusting God and knowing him in a deeper way than ever before. I want that, but like 'much afraid' I want God to do it without the painful process in between, I would rather skip out the pain and trials that often can go beforehand. I think we often need to know the pain and darkness beforehand to really appreciate the true joy afterwards. Sadly I would readily jump into labour anyday for that whole experience but often would cower in fear at what difficulties and fears I face in my life, knowing full well that God is the rock to see me through.

In our church, we recently have witnessed a member in the church pass through some really tough times with cancer. At his diagnosis, his future was unsure and looked pretty bleak. However it has been a privilege to watch him and his wife as their faith in God has been strong and immovable. The joy it has brought us as a church as we see in them the peace and contentment they have in knowing God in a deeper way than ever before. But yet they've only experienced this deeper relationship with God because of cancer.

Why as a christian am I so fearful? God has promised to be with us.

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.”

Isaiah 41:10

I was down using my son's gym the other morning and I was playing music from my phone. A song that was playing has always really challenged me and is from the verse in Job 13:15;

Though you slay me, yet I will praise Him, the song sung by Shane and Shane is full of challenging lines but I was really challenged that morning by the lines ‘to the one who’s all I need’ and ‘you’re enough for me’.

Is the reason I am so fearful of sorrow, suffering and disappointment because, he is not all that I need? Do I look at these things through the eyes of my own resources and that is why I am full of dread? I'll never manage that! No way I'll cope with that! My faith will never hold out! An old hymn has these amazing words ‘When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.”

The reality of this means that in order to experience the Father, we need to be brought to an end of our resources. We need to be brought to an end, where we can’t manage any more in our own strength and usually the only way of doing this, is through trials and suffering. But oh the joy, the peace, the faith we know as we truly experience God in a deeper more intimate way than we ever did before.