The Over-Thinker Part 2

As I’ve said in a previous blog, I tend to overthink everything! Since I shared that blog, I've had a few people tell me, they are exactly the same! I thought I was the only weird one!

Sometimes I catch Calum staring off into space, I'll ask him what he is thinking and his response is usually the same - nothing! I am always so envious, I am always mulling something over in my head. There is a children's film called ‘inside out’. It is portrayed from the inside of a young girl's head. All her different emotions have characters. Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear

and a few others. Phoebe once dressed up as Sadness, she was brilliant! The film depicts how each character's personality affects her thoughts and memories, and how she processes these thoughts. I so relate to this film. At night, before I manage to fall asleep, I have to process conversations, texts messages, events from during the day and place them into some sort of order. If it’s been a busy day, then it can take a while! Eventually I fall asleep. Meanwhile, Calum has been sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware! Although I have to say he has sat up with me on occassion and rationalised my thoughts with me.

At the start of lockdown, I had a feeling of panic in my chest. I couldn’t do anything to help it. There was so much change happening and my poor mind couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t get to sleep at night. The minute I woke in the morning, I was wide awake, my mind would literally kick into overdrive. It was exhausting. I would get really frustrated with the kids when they interrupted my thoughts with their many questions about what was happening in the world, and this in turn made me feel guilty for my impatience towards them. I just wanted to be left alone with a coffee, churning my thoughts over in my head. Would it be safe to go to the supermarket? Will I be able to get all the food I need to make up a meal? Will Calum bring the virus home from work? How am I ever going to manage homeschooling with only a couple of devices between 6 children? At times I just felt so irritated by everything and everyone, and yet I was trapped in this bubble with 7 other people and I couldn’t escape!!

I could see online how people were enjoying quality time with their family, and social media was full of stories and pictures of odd jobs that they had managed to do. Why couldn't I manage that? Some online classes displayed photographs of amazing home-school projects. These made me feel even guiltier. I tried watching various devotionals that were popping up on facebook, or take the time to read a book and relax but I couldn’t. Every time I tried to slow down and concentrate, my mind continued on at 100mph. It was like a laptop with too many tabs left open.

I’m not too sure when I finally began to relax, I don’t have some amazing story to tell. It just started getting easier. After the Easter holidays homeschooling was better, I didn’t put myself under the same pressure. Any rigid routine went completely out the window!! (sorry Joe Wicks but P.E. at 9am was far too early for me.) We started achieving things in the garden. I felt good and I even managed to read a few books! I was able to concentrate on devotionals and give my relationship with God the time it needed. Reading my bible and praying once again became easier and zoom church services were enjoyed instead of endured.

Eventually I loved the changes that lockdown brought. The slower pace of life, time just spent with the kids, accomplishing so much in the garden and not always needing to be looking at the clock to see where we needed to be. Once I adjusted to the changes, I didn’t really face any situations that I could over think. Well, that was until I started setting up my blog.

Usually when an idea comes into my head, I tend to think it to death, then talk myself out of it altogether. Even if I think the idea is from God. I always think someone more suited will do a better job. It's scary because this is the second time this year, I have actually acted on an idea that I have had! Who is this person??

As the blog emerged online, the usual thinking process began to take over. Struggling to sleep, I found it hard not to imagine what people would think of it. However, this time, I asked God to help me with each doubt and fear that arose. Everyday when a new fear threatened to consume me, God reassured me, in one way or another. On the evening before I set up the blog, I lay in bed overthinking it all. I must have disturbed Calum, as he eventually asked what was wrong? I explained the questions and fears I had in my head, and that I found it so exhausting. We prayed, and I eventually fell asleep.

The next morning, my UCB devotion for that day was entitled ‘Getting out of your boat’. It was encouraging the readers to examine what boat they were in, and what comfort zone God was asking them to step out of? Like the story in the New Testament, when Jesus asked Peter to get out of the fishing boat and walk on the water towards him. It made me laugh, it’s something that I have said to Calum for years, as he has struggled to leave his comfort zone. Now God was saying the same thing to me! I messaged Calum and asked what he thought today's devotional was saying, his reply was 'Get out your boat'! I couldn’t remain in ‘my boat’ any longer, I had to step out of fear and trust Him. I asked my friends for prayer and one sent me the verse ‘Commit to the Lord whatever you do and he will establish your plans.’ Proverbs 16:3 The other sent me a photo of a verse on her wall 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11 I committed to what God was asking me to do and I set up the blog. I had peace and trusted God with this plan.

The day after I posted my blog, my sister- in-law, Heather, shared her blog that she had been working on. I hadn’t known anything about it, if I had, I would definitely have talked myself out of doing mine. Again, I was full of fear and doubts. I couldn’t even concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing, and my overthinking began to take over. I had a choice to make. I could allow these thoughts to control me, and send my emotions on a roller coaster, or I could trust God again and reach out to my sister-in-law. He had after all brought me this far, surely I could continue to trust Him?

God was so good and faithful. As Heather and I text back and forth, I was so encouraged, and once again God's peace flooded my mind. The doubts and fears that the devil intended to use to harm both of us, God used to strengthen us. It has been a blessing to read Heather's blogs and witness her faith in the circumstances of her life. I pray that her blog will be a blessing to her family and to all those that read it. I went to bed that evening with peace in my mind and I had no thoughts to overthink. God was good.

The following day, my daily reading calendar read :“God said: stop comparing yourself to others. I don’t need duplicates.’ I was amazed, God was still reassuring me. (I have daughter's that need to be reassured a lot. Sadly I am not always as gracious to them as God is to me. My patience wears thin far too quickly. The way God has responded to each of my fears, has caused me to examine how I respond to theirs. ) God knows me so well, and the thoughts that my mind could use to tear me down, he was quickly taking them away.

I don't need to be controlled by my thoughts and what they say about me. I have been remembering the verse, take every thought captive, 2 Corinthians 10:5, I began to put this into practice. As I slowly learned to do this, I began to sense a deep peace in my mind. God reminded me to focus on Phillipians 4:8 Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, And lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. I chose not to listen to my doubts and fears. I was going to listen to the truth of what God was saying about who I am.

1 John 3:1 says, that I am called a child of God. Just as our children belong to Calum and I, so I belong to God. What he thinks of me matters more than anything else. The bible says that when I became a christian I was a new person, my old life was gone, a new life had begun, 2 Corinthians 5:17. So often when we believe God is asking us do something It’s easy to use the excuse that this is just the person I am, I can’t do this task because I will just overthink it, I’m too socially awkward, It’s too uncomfortable leaving my comfort zone, I might not make sense, there are others more able than me. But God says I'm a new creation, I am no longer dependent on that old person and personality. I've come to realise that these are all just excuses and in making them, then I am calling God a liar and that is a grave mistake.

Paul says in Philippians 2:13 that it is God that works in us, giving us the desire and the power to do what pleases him. It’s not me, it’s God that does it through me and if I say I can’t, then I am implying that God isn’t able to work in me. If I had stayed in 'my boat' I was really saying that I didn't believe God could help me walk on water. Paul goes on to say ‘I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.’ ALL things, no exception. It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself or what kind of personality you have, with God ALL things are possible.

As lockdown begins to ease I can feel that sense of panic just below the surface. All the change that this process will bring, has the potential to set me back again and unravel all the work God has done. The worries that overthinking brings, could cause some sleepless nights and irritable moods. This time however I am clinging to the promises that God has shown me through sharing my blogs, and I stop and remind myself, I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.